Took Tony out for a three plus mile walk in the snow and ice. It actually sounds worse than it was–the sun was shining, so I actually got pretty toasty, and my dog loves the snow, so it was good for the both of us. Meanwhile, the friend I’m doomed to do the Dopey Challenge with completed the Houston marathon this morning (I was kind of hoping this would dissuade her from the idea–no such luck). I followed along a bit on the live tracking they had–she finished in under six hours, which I think is amazing. I honestly can’t imagine running for six hours straight. What do you do? How do you keep yourself from going crazy? She told me she does math (which, ugh, would just make me even more insane) or counts cars, if she’s going through a neighborhood. I’m hoping I can find a method that works for me. I know if I start thinking too much about my life, it throws off my focus and I just can’t get it back. When I was younger, I used to be an aspiring writer (weren’t we all?), and I still occasionally make up stories in my head for those moments when I really don’t need to be thinking about anything–when I’m driving, in the morning when I’m getting ready for work, when I’m trying to fall asleep. Maybe that’ll do the trick. I’ll just have to come up with a really good storyline. Unless that requires too much concentration. The main issue I’ll have is finding a way to keep crazy bitch mode under control. This is one of the reasons why I’m trying to develop a confidence journal.
Crazy bitch mode is what I call miles eight through eleven during a half marathon. Some people call it hitting the wall. My way seems a little more descriptive. During crazy bitch mode, I’m mentally ranting about how tired I am, how hungry I am, how mad I am at how I’m doing, how I hope they just take me off the course completely, how much I hate running, how stupid I was to sign up for this…you get the idea. Every negative thought comes out during that time, and it takes up about a third of a half marathon. Imagine doing that through a third of a full marathon. There’s no way I would finish.
One of the running groups I’m in recommended Strong: A runner’s guide to boosting confidence and becoming the best version of you by Kara Goucher. It’s basically talking about how to develop confidence in yourself using a method that she uses, keeping a confidence journal. Trying to get through this book is already starting out rough. One of the first exercises is to list three things you like about yourself, and I’m drawing a blank. In fact, I’m procrastinating right now by writing here. Surely, I have more self-esteem than this. But that’s a tough question to answer for most people, isn’t it? Or are there people out there who can instantly start listing off things they like about themselves? The idea that those people exist kind of blows me away. Do I want to be one of those people? Is it possible? I suppose there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a little more self-assured, in knowing that I can believe in what I do. I’m sure there will be always be fears, but having a method of overcoming those fears is something I think everyone would want. A confidence journal might be my method, it might not. Still, it’s worth a try.
Back to trying to find three things I like about myself. Can’t give up now–I’ve just barely begun. That’s a thing, right?