I’m so confused.

This is possibly why I’ve never set up a website for my business because this is supposed to be one of easiest formats to navigate and I’m just wandering around thinking, “Huh?” I did switch over to my computer with the disappointing hope that it might make things easier to navigate. It really doesn’t. But, the page is up and running, so I guess that’s a start.

Back to my “journey”. Ugh. What a terrible expression. It’s not a journey. A journey is something done by Hobbits and dwarves and elves and the like. It’s got a beginning and an end and a tale to tell and is an adventure. If major lifestyle changes came with ethereally beautiful elves and rugged handsome men, all those diet fads across the world would immediately go bankrupt and I might not be in my fourth decade of starting over. I can’t even consider it to be and adventure. Adventures are more fun. Sure, they have their challenges to overcome and hurdles along the way, and maybe they’re even a bit more grueling than every day life, but you look forward to overcoming all the bad parts of an adventure because you know your goal is just ahead.

Sure, that sounds like the description of a thousand weight loss/fitness/lifestyle ‘journeys’, but here’s the thing–I know what’s ahead. I know all the steps. I’ve been there, done that, and having to start over yet again, especially after once having my goal within my reach, it’s fucking hell. It’s hard work and pain and denial and suffering. There will be tears. Oh yes, there will be tears. Loss of confidence. Frustration. Anger. Self-hate. Self-doubt. Crushing defeat. It’s damn near impossible to to make that sound like an adventure. Sounds to me like a litany of reasons not to even start.

This brings me back to my blog. The title of my blog is “Focus on the Negative”. It comes from the musical Waitress. Great musical, gorgeous music. During the song I take my title from, the lead is waiting for the results of a pregnancy test and her friends are encouraging her to focus on the negative, meaning, to hope for a negative result saying she’s not pregnant. My negative is a little different. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a cynic. I do not have a positive outlook on life. My mind doesn’t go straight to the worst case scenario, but it’s not exactly trying to see the bright side of things. I’m not sure how to do that. I grew up with a negative family. It’s who we are. I’m not sure I can change, but I’m pretty sure I need to try. I don’t think I can do this if I’m always telling myself I’m going to fail.

That seems like a good place to stop, right? Very profound ending. Plus, my dog is getting pissed because he’s trying to sleep and I’m over here making noise on the computer, so I guess it’s time to go.

Till the sun don’t shine. (Also from Waitress. Seriously, amazing musical. Go listen.)

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